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The Reluctant Adventurer

by Manga Saint Hilare

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1.
Current Mood 04:47
I'm a single man on a single bed not giving a single fuck im so sick of the silly thoughts that I'm thinking up I seem to be sleeping less,because i think too much I close my eyes,like I've seen too much I'm looking for a blessing,Have i sinned too much? I'm feeling singled out I'm trying to hold it all down,but i seem to fuck things up Now I'm just sitting here,beating myself up My head is hurting It's like I've been punched or rushed I'm trying to find my way up looking in the mirror like "now its just me & you fam" So,ummm...Fuck em,If they don't like us All my thoughts are whizzing around like they're in a rush Am i happy being sad Or sad that i aint happy? I think these things all at once She can't make her mind up she said she loves me,but she's got to go What? Thats a mind fuck Wait...what? you should of seen my face when the phone lit up She said "i can't be around when you self destruct" ahhh bitch,shut the fuck up I Knew you wasn't down I don't know why i bothered & got my hopes up (BITCH) I should of just seckled & kept my love gun in my holster (THIS) I'm sitting on the edge of my bed I'm in a mess I've got my middle finger & my index on my temple I wish i could blow these thoughts right out of my head & just go...BANG I hate this room i wake up in The state of it,Just mirrors the mind state i'm in I've got a lot of money going out & less coming in So i stay under my covers & i over think with this,Drink that I'm going to sip Because i feel like everyone & everything Is against me & i know i'll never win They're trying to take manaman for a fucking prick or is my mind just playing tricks Got my feeling like a loser,because i never win & I'm never going out,i'm staying in because i only feel safe when I'm staying in... Bed,yes fuck everyone & everything for everything they've done Or what they never did my phone keeps blowing up like a terrorist ahhh fuck it let it ring I don't really feel like speaking (LOWE ME NUH MAN) I don't want to hear your advice or preaching (LOWE ME NUH MAN) feels like I'm trapped in freedom (LOWE ME NUH MAN) now I'm sitting on the edge of my bed i'm in a mess i want to blow these thoughts of out my head & just go....BANG
2.
Running Out 04:17
My soul is on a journey,Past stars You aint the only one who is worthy but you believe it like you are I couldn't see me living until I'm 30 If you prefer me why do you only hurt me? they say its inunvertly why do you all dessert me? I was out here trying to make a mill,Look where i ended up sometimes i feel to give it up & i'm running out of luck if feel to give it up and i don't give a... i could never give a... & i haven't got a care in the world because i don't even care because everyone that did for me,has slowly disapeared Catch me if you can I'm flying high discussing my lyrics sipping on white wine contracts,black letters & white lies black male I need to do my music,because all else fails Heart broke i can really tell you how that shit felt I was the captain of my feelings,until that ship sailed cargo all this baggage dark smoke why won't these demons vanish? this one rope could make me skip this planet I've got just one hope (These majors notice talent) I was writing these verses knowing we need some balance I was buzzing of spitters,because i was possessing what they haven't they say i lack the passion because i don't feel the challenge sometimes i feel to give it up and I'm running out of luck if feel to give it up and i don't give a... i could never give a... & i haven't got a care in the world because i don't even care because everyone that did for me,has slowly disapeared now I'm running out of luck catch me if you can If you could,i would be dead now i've lived here in this sed' house my mums alive,but not dead proud I feel like a let down trapped here & i can't get out I done things then i regret now some ex friends some ex girls some remain love sick some inhale some exhale some try to get even some then become odd some people turn evil some might turn to god & that church the deacon said Preach my mum told me to tell the truth & thats something that you can't teach the truth hurts some lie about it some find out some cry about it some hide some fight about it i feel the pain so i write about it trap stars & black cars them type of sensations drug raids & shoot outs them type of occasions they hope i never make it i call them bruddahs haters i know i'll never give it up but I'm running out of luck if feel to give it up and i don't give a... i could never give a... & i haven't got a care in the world because i don't even care because everyone that did for me,has slowly disapeared now I'm running out of luck catch me if you can
3.
Hate Me Slow 04:42
I know you don't like it,when I'm not picking up & I play truant You see phone numbers,that you don't know,When you go through it I start closing chats,before you go through it. Dumb situations that I throw you in I just tell these white lies,so fluent I should be a bigger man & don't do it Yet I find myself doing what I said I wouldn't do Even though I've promised you that I won't do it I'm just adding to the stereotypes & cliches I'm finding it harder to look in your eyes,with each day. Chipping away at the small bit of trust that remains & it's a bleak maze Because sometimes,I really just was Sitting in my house all day But it's sad when the he say & she say holds more weight And I know fuck up I gave you a sorry for breakfast & a sorry for lunch I'm sorry for being sorry I know I'm a cunt But I know I can learn to be the man that you want & need I know that it's hard to believe Because I've got the same promises on repeat Then she said,give me a reason to stay around I replied with my phone faced down Hate me slow & love me fast Embrace my future Accept my past Trust my flaws & kiss my scars Hate me slow & love me fast Embrace my future Accept my past Trust my flaws & kiss my scars Just give me one more last chance The fact that I find it so easy Just makes it so hard I'm not perfect,none of us here are I know you're tired of the let downs Fuckeries & pars But you know that I love you right? I know I'm loving you wrong But I'll love you right I can't even imagine what it must be like Putting up with my shit For the hundredth time I don't know how you deal with All lust & lies Wondering eyes Scroll through 'lol's & like And I know you want to listen to your mums advice "Fuck that guy he'll never be a son of mine,until he mans up & treats you right" Alright,alright,alright I know she's right But I'm trying,I'm trying,I'm trying You know I'm trying But it's lies on lies on lies,I know you're tired...alie But I don't want to make you bitter So let's make this better If you go then you go But if you stick around,asking as we're together just... Hate me slow & love me fast Embrace my future Accept my past Trust my flaws & kiss my scars Hate me slow & love me fast Embrace my future Accept my past Trust my flaws & kiss my scars
4.
Once Was 03:37
Live life Love life Live life loving Live long Liveonce Live twice Fuck it Because I was broke, before I ever knew what broke was Cola in my cup, before I knew what coke was This gang life So holy like the pope was My mentor was a 45 Before I knew what I colt was Baptisted,all niggas need there soul washed 12 people not guilty that's what the my hope was Tried to shape up because niggas became cut throat still Because I've been cuffed though still Never been sus though still Made money but the money weren't enough though still Will I make it out the hood Who gives a fuck though Who's alive? Who's dead & who's in prison? Tried to add it up But all I see it division Used to be the smartest niggas Now they probably wouldn't listen Tried to filter out the bullshit & Instagram the pictures I used to break down a block On the same block I built up I used to empty out a glock The same glock I filled up I've grown up But nothing ain't changed though I'm still young Two fingers up to the haters because I'm still loved Still living They still wished I was dead I don't Care about nobody I'm just ahead, get it I made you a real boy,don't forget And I'm still holding down the set & upset is all you can get. Looks like I'm losing friends It looks like,I'm losing friends [we used to fight with kids from other estates,now 8mm settle debates] Upside down bikes on the front line zee is calling girls from his dub line If you come around here But you wasn't from around here Then you're gonna get run down... One time We got all of our beginnings from the ends But who knew,it was the beginning of the end Went from my brothers till the end To a visit,to a text To "I swear I lost your number fam,send it again" Pretend I can't remember who never kept it real first,it could of been me I thought,that you thought that it shouldn't be me Like I was getting blessings that I shouldn't receive Maybe I'm a victim of distance & paranoia I guess that over thinking is a ting when you start to grow up I heard you've got a daughter,it's mad that I don't even know her I left most of my dargs behind just like Noah It wasn't meant I probably wouldn't even recognise Med Joy has got two sons & one I've never met All of the invites I ignored & tings I never went to All of the promises that I never kept But we all did a lot But a lot less together So I guess we are all where we are meant to be & that weren't together so... Looks like I'm losing friends It looks like,I'm losing friends [we used to fight with kids from other estates,now 8mm settle debates]
5.
There is nothing left for me here My mind wanders & now my body wants to too They didn't even want to let me be here But I went broke,while trying to pay my dues And they won't leave me be here There is always something that seems to be wrong with everything I do So it's best I leave here,it doesn't feel right anymore So it's time to make my move I'm sick of the same old,same old Same highs same lows Same narrow minded opinions with the so called bosses,who says what goes. Same man dem bragging about the same clothes Stuck in the same mindset Photos in the same clothes Same starstruck gal on insta Back arched with the same pose I still comment,wink like,scroll I step out of my comfort zone for a light stroll What's happening over here Brave new world Actions over fears Yeah I can fuck with that... I nearly lost it all,trying to find myself Looking out the window & I'm trying to remind myself that there are others out there just like myself My over active mind don't help I'm trying to find a place where I'm myself Surrounded by things that i don't need It's like I'm trying to buy my self confidence,it's obvious I don't belong to this World of golden planted promises Which creates more worry-ers Than warriors Crabs in a bucket looking for acknowledgment I ain't trying to be like them anymore I'm trying to make every step count Because I'm not sure I'll get many more I just know that I gotta get away I can't take this stress anymore Is there anymore,Martell in that bottle? I feel like I need liquid courage For all my demons I'm facing And all of the problems that are coming No more shouting over others Just to get my story heard Once I've learnt the things I need to know Then maybe I'll return Use the powers I've got & soilder on Fly off into the unknown beyond They kept pulling me down Pulling me down Fuck it,I had to cut out...I had to cut out They kept pulling me down Pulling me down Fuck it,I had to cut out...I had to cut out They didn't want to have to leave But I did & now I'm free from the shit It shouldn't be,but it is what it is They kept pulling me down Pulling me down Fuck it,I had to cut out...I had to cut out

credits

released July 1, 2015

Additional thoughts from Jay Grrey
Photography by Courtney F Photos
Artwork created by Hendrix Nash
Music Mixed By Joe Hirst

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Manga Saint Hilare London, UK

The long-standing grime heavy hitter is known amongst his peers as one of the best and most consistent lyricists in the scene. Since Roll Deep ceased recording as a collective, Manga pursued a forward-thinking sound under a newly adopted identity: Manga Saint Hilare. 

Less braggadocios and explicit, more thought provoking and vulnerable - Manga's lyrics carry a powerful message.
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